Brief Review of One's Life Journey

I was searching on my old laptop--I got a new laptop at the beginning of this semester--and I viewed all of the files, searching for an old essay I could use for one of my assignments. I couldn't find it, though I swear it was in my memory somewhere that I've done it.

Instead, I came face-to-face with the many folders and hundreds of files on that computer. It was so odd. The files represent many moments once lived, the countless amounts of effort and hard work I put into making it to this point, to becoming the human being I now write as to you.

I felt that many of those files--the ones where i put so much hard work into them, such as essays--were a waste, as if they didn't mean anything. I went through hell and back to write many of those papers. It reminded me of the tough times I went through during my college career. I saw the essays I've written and edited for other girls, old flames.

Seeing how useless many of those files are--it at least seems that way, perhaps they aren't--only confirms how burnt out I am with school, how useless and futile some of the things I do seem to be.

I was their passive, obedient student and did as was told. I've had few great college experiences there, and the experiences i wanted compared to the ones i got are seemingly non-existent.

So much work, even in maths like Algebra and Statistics, where i probably couldn't recall most of that information--same with my teaching classes, and other classes.

What do I have to show that I am here? The work I put in. The degree I will obtain at the end of this semester.

After this, I will take life into my own hands. I will shape the life I want, no matter how long that takes. I see a long road ahead of me, full of hard--but fulfilling--work, to develop myself as the best human being I can be for myself and society.

And all of this reflection made me realize, that sometimes other people don't respect other people's journeys, current or past, based on their interactions.

School has drained my soul. I've been burnt out. I can easily see why some students could no longer do it. Maybe they chose the wrong environment or college for them, who knows. But I am almost done. I am close. Just a bit more pushing. Sometimes in the past, I felt as if I was pushing a gigantic boulder, or against an invisible wall, times where I carried myself--when I was empty, but continued on--past all of the obstacles in my way.

I need to re-focus like I have been. I've allowed college to make me go crazy at times. Insane. Buzzing in the head.

If it weren't for writing and video-making (check out my YouTube channels if you'd like [Scrima Games: http://www.youtube.com/user/KevinScrimaGamez?sub_confirmation=1    and   Scrima Talks: http://www.youtube.com/user/KevinScrimaTalks?sub_confirmation=1  ]  ) I would have gone insane long ago.

After writing this, I am enjoying each second of earned relaxation that I have at this moment. And then I will enjoy sleep.

The identity I am heading toward is the one I want. There were times when I lost myself in college. You really couldn't blame anyone, because it's an easy thing to do, despite how grounded you are in values. Then some new experiences happen, and you realizes what you thought you wanted was not what you wanted. Then you learn there are other things you want.

I write this, instead of doing my homework. And rightly so. I've just written three summaries of three different stories for a few classes I missed. Those sucked. I learned from them--one had an insight about cycles of sheets in a hospital, how each patient shares one sheet as it is dirtied and cleaned--then I forgot the other story completely, and had to pull the file up to even remember it. Perhaps college has shot my memory, ironically.

One more week and it's Spring Break. So, some break is ahead, and that'll be nice.

Be focused, and don't lose sight of the journey ahead, of what you are walking--if not running--toward, and take the correct paths, or choose wisely. Then build, brick-by-brick, the life you want. Step by step, action by action, choice by choice.

I can't help but look back in the past and think, "Poor Kevin." He had been through a lot, suffered through a lot, had crappy experiences, but has still reached the person he wants to be.

No one said personal growth would be easy. No, when it's hard, when it stretches you apart, like butter on bread, you know it's being done right--but it also should feel refreshing afterward.

Here's to another chapter in my life closing soon: College. And afterward, a better, brighter one beginning. But that's adulthood. Who knows what that can entail. But I can't help think that that is better, than these classes, and this homework.

I know i will succeed no matter what happens, no matter how much I am stretched, for I have been stretched before, and am now titanium from it.

All neediness is gone, and I can just enjoy myself.

God, I titled this a BRIEF review of one's life journey. Eh, who knows, depending on one's definition, it can be brief. This post only covers a short part of my life, anyway. So yes, it is brief.

Time to rest, before continuing onward.

Making Money Online?!?!

So after making a post about wanting to make money, I found this course on Udemy on how to make money online: https://www.udemy.com/how-to-make-money-online-business-plan/#/lecture/446030

I'm pretty stoked and interested in learning about it. I guess I'll give it a try?

Make the Money, Don't Let The Money Make You?

There comes a time in one's life where one asks, "What ways can I make money?" And you want to think about smart ways, not stupid ways. You want to enjoy doing it. You want your time to be well-invested. You want it to be fulfilling.

I thought about the things I could do... write books... maybe find some programming languages I enjoy... make a niche category of YouTube videos.

Life is an experiment. So you have to experiment. My ambition can be bigger than my head sometimes, I think.

I sit here contemplating, what kind of style of YouTube videos I could make. I could continue to make the ones I do, but it may take a while before I get where I want to be. Doing reviews, satire, an analysis, etc, of video games came to mind. Well, you have to start somewhere.

I will go toward what I think are best. Make them, see what happens.

Also, workshops. Workshops come to mind. Legitimate ones where I can teach people about something.

But we also need to keep in mind to not be a complete workaholic, that sometimes, we also have to enjoy life. So I can't stress too much about this stuff.

College Life

So, I woke up, missed my first class; lucky i went to bed early and did some meditation beforehand using the Head  Space app, despite having tons of homework and tests.

First test I didn't study for, so I used my intuition on each question. We shall find out how well I did. Quickly studied some grammar concepts like subject and verb agreement, then pronouns, and took my mid-term exam, which was actually not bad, so I think I did somewhat well.

Drove home, because the school environment gives me a bad disposition, and I was so much happier near and at my home environment.

Now, I need to leave for my capstone, my night class, and haven't done any of the readings of student stories. I can skim them hopefully before and as it starts.

After class I will need to write more of that essay for my grammar class.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Honest feelings (about my college)

Well, today I slept through classes. Doesn't seem like no big deal, anyway. Need to have a second alarm because my first doesn't seem to work, or I don't hear it.

I'm very tired of school. Very burnt out. It's my last semester. I don't feel like I belong there, at least, even less so than usual. Guess I haven't since the beginning.  So, I'm ready to graduate.

And I have no friends there.

My experiences there have been far from satisfactory.

My motivation for school-related things is just not there. And I get up for work easier than I do school, and even enjoy work more than school--that's when you know something is fucked up somewhere.

Well, guess I should try to focus on my homework now...

Minor Revisions: Ethnic Fiction: Modern Vision Quest: Past, Present, and Future

Kevin M. Scrima

Ethnic Fiction—Professor Murabito

2/9/15 

Visions of The Past and Visions of the Future in the Present Moment

   The Native American girl told him that she wanted him to go on a Vision Quest with her. He liked the girl. Eh, he more than liked her. That’s why he decided to go. If he learned that emotions are stupid and had a Real Social Dynamics mentor, like someone who taught guys how to get girls by showing the most effective techniques behind interactions, then he would have had a vision that this Vision Quest was a mistake, and beyond foolish.

   The girl wanted company. That’s all. She didn’t necessarily like him romantically, though she did; it was complex. She didn’t want to go on this Vision Quest alone. She doesn’t like to be alone. Her family were really adamant about her going through this rite of passage, despite her not believing in it. Maybe she would lie about it and say some things, form some story about following a rabbit to a hole in a dream, kind of like Alice in Wonderland, and try to discover some deep philosophical meaning to it.

   He, Connor, was hoping to find a way to get closer to her. Maybe she did want to get close to him, too, instead of it being just company. She seemed like a needy person, always needing someone to hang around with. Girls are needy in general, he thought.

   As they walked into the woods, they chitchatted about trivial things. His blue backpack bounced up and down as Connor made his way down the path. He wore a red, plaid shirt and blue jeans. He glanced at his friend, Aiyanna, her two long, black braids bouncing and swaying, her tan, smooth skin, her brown eyes focused straight ahead. She wore a tan-colored Native American costume, one he thought he saw in the costume section during Halloween, or something that perhaps she bought off Amazon. He thought she was so beautiful, that if there were a Native American magazine, she’d be the model on the front cover, or probably could be for any other women magazine. At least he thought.

   “So… we’re going out here to a random spot in the woods, and we’re going to sit and talk, you know, eat, sleep, like we usually do, and suddenly a vision is gonna come out of nowhere, right?” Connor asked.

   Aiyanna giggled. “Yeah, pretty much. I mean, maybe we’ll see something or discover something about ourselves, who knows?”

   Connor made his way over a fallen tree, and his shoes crunched on the leaves as his shoes made contact with ground. Aiyanna added, “All a Vision Quest really is, is a deep insight to one’s life.”

   Connor turned to help her over the fallen tree and held her hand—“Thanks,” she said—and didn’t let go of it, wanting to keep holding on to it, but reluctantly let go. That brief touch excited him, because he was so inexperienced with girls, but her hand was also warm.

   “Like…” Connor began. “Like you believing you’re meant to be together with someone?” He glanced at her with that smirk of his.

   She laughed. “Something like that. I guess that could be one example.”

   “Or realizing that you’ll never find yourself!” Connor exclaimed. Feeling as if he was on to something, he continued, “Because you’re always changing as a person and can barely hold on to who you are. It’s more like catching yourself instead of finding yourself.” When Connor was excited with an idea, he rarely could hold back from talking. This was one of those times. “It’s almost like a game of hide-and-seek. Who you really are is hiding, but it’s your job to play the seeker. But the problem is, everyone else is playing the same game, and also trying to find each other. Everyone wants them to find them, which makes it problematic for other people being able to find themselves.” Light poured in between a few trees, blinding Connor momentarily as he instinctively brought up his hand to shield his eyes. That sun was bright.

   Aiyanna pondered his thought, biting her mouth in such a way that it looked like she paused halfway while chewing a piece of bubble gum, maybe wondering if she liked the taste or not, or if the flavor suddenly left. “I’ve never thought about it like that before. Interesting.”

   “Yep!” Connor said. “There’s your vision right there. For the both of us. Neither have I.”

   She gave a slight smile.

   As they continued walking, silence hung in the air. A sound from some weird bird became noticeable. “So…” he said again, trying to make light conversation. “Did you bring cannabis or something?”

   She laughed again, as he knew she would. “No, my parents would kill me. And I’ve never done drugs.”

   “Nether have I either. It was a joke anyway,” Connor said. “Or maybe we could be playing a video game or watching a YouTube video? There’s this one game, called Destiny, where you enter this portal to the Black Garden, and the whole screen has this weird, rainbow psychedelic effect. It’s pretty weird. I recorded my reaction on YouTube. You totally have to check it out sometime. Oh, did I tell you I have a YouTube channel? Google ‘Destiny Psychedelic Experience.’ It’s hilarious.” Wait, didn’t this mean he already had a Vision Quest? If finding the place where the protagonist had to go counted as a Vision Quest.

   Aiyanna laughed again. “Okay.” Video game analogy, really? she thought. “But you really can’t get any insights from that.”

   “Well,” Connor began. “It transports you to unknown territory, and you have to destroy the Heart of Darkness. I’m sure that means something, somewhere.” Coincidentally, he linked that heart to Joseph Conrad’s Heart of Darkness story. “Then the player finds out that the game sucked, there’s no more content, and that the game developers removed that content to sell it to you as future DLC, content you have to pay for that should already be in the game. In other words,” he said, “life’s about the money, not what you produce, necessarily. Or, it means that there are two kinds of people in this world: The people who screw you over, and those who get screwed over.”

   “Hmm,” Aiyanna merely said. She wasn’t used to all this intellectual talk, though she did find it interesting. “I should just talk to you all day, and that could be my vision quest,” she said, then laughed.

   Connor laughed. “Yeah. I always talk like this, sorry,” he said. And as soon as he did, he added, “Or it means there are those who you feed off of, and those that feed off you. It’s like this weird, fucked up, parasitic dance.”

   “Okay, that’s a creepy thought,” Aiyanna said, and slapped his shoulder, telling him to quit. “You’re going to give me nightmares.”

   “If that helps you have your vision faster,” Connor said, and laughed. “Okay, well. What else can I talk about? My friend did shrooms once. Actually, he did a lot of drugs. He once showed me some trippy YouTube videos, and recommended certain things to watch when you’re high. I think he told me he stared at the same thing for one hour or something. But we’re not friends anymore.”

   Aiyanna gave a short laugh. “Aw, I’m sorry. And Connor, I think we’ll be fine. Don’t worry.”

   The air was cool. A creek rushed water between two large trees nearby. Connor stepped on a stone, and another, the water forming around it. One was round, so he had to keep his balance, but the rest were flat, as if they were made for being walked on. Once he made it to the other side, he helped her over. “I hope so,” he said, then reluctantly gave her hand back to herself. “I’m starting to get tired. How much further to walk?” He really wasn’t tired. From a logical standpoint, he didn’t see the point in walking further, or what a specific location a mile away could do compared to one nearby it.

   “Not too far,” she said. “The area is more safe and secluded. I’ve come here before sometimes as a kid. I always liked adventure and going to new places.”

   Connor smiled and looked at her beautiful face, her long eyelashes, her crooked, upturned nose. “I can tell. I’ve… been more interested in staying put.” He liked the familiar, but always tried to put himself in novel situations.

   “Here,” Aiyanna finally said.

   Thank God, Connor thought, as if He granted his desire to stay put, even though he didn’t believe in God, or any supernatural thing. Evolution and past events brought everything to this point. The thought made everything weird and his mind hurt, so he tried not to think about any of that. “Cool,” he simply said, and looked around. It was a round and wide, spacious area. Thick grass on the ground. Wide trees surrounding the area. A cliff jetting over that had a tree on top, but underneath was a huge hole, like a mini-cave, which might be good to sleep in, if need be, he guessed.

    “I’ve never camped before,” Connor said, even though he has told her this. “So you may need to help me with the set up. But I Googled it, so I should be fine, for the most part”

   Aiyanna smiled as she set her beige backpack down. “Alright, Modern-Boy.”

   Modern Boy? He wondered. “Okay Out-Of-Date-Past-Girl,” he decided to say, then smiled.

   Aiyanna giggled. She pulled the tent from a bag and began setting it up.

   Connor took his out and tried to follow how she did hers. But for some reason, his kept falling down. “Ugh!” he shouted in frustration.

   Aiyanna looked at him as she finished putting hers up, a teepee, beige and white. “Need help?” she asked with a smile.

   Connor, stubborn, wouldn’t give in. “Nope, I…” his blue tent collapsed. “Yes, fine.”

   Aiyanna chuckled as she came over. “Look, like this…” then she proceeded to show him how to put up a tent, which turned into a big rectangle. Connor observed, sulking, his arms across his chest. “How did you learn how to pitch a tent so well?” And as soon as he asked, his mouth contorted into a smile, and he made a weird sound with his mouth and nose as he tried to hold his laughter in, then quickly brought a hand to his mouth.

   “Well, I…” she looked up at him. “What’s so funny?”

   “Um, nothing,” he said, contorting his face back to normal and biting his lip.

   Her eyebrows narrowed. “Ew. Gross.”

   Then he burst out laughing, his hand on his stomach. “Sorry.”

   They carried and rolled their sleeping bags in their own individual tents, laid a few thick, wool blankets outside so they wouldn’t be sitting on the ground. As he sat with her, he said, “Okay,” and clapped his hands together. “Let’s have this vision!”

   Aiyanna tilted her head and raised an eyebrow, as if to say, seriously?

   Connor put his hands up in front of his chest in surrender. It got quiet. That weird-sounding bird could be heard again, singing its weird song. But it was the bird’s own, unique song, after all, Connor thought, which was why it sounded weird. It probably sounds natural to the bird, though.

   

Freewriting Ethnic Fiction: Visions of The Past and Visions of the Future in the Present Moment

Kevin M. Scrima

Ethnic Fiction—Professor Murabito

2/6/15 

Visions of The Past and Visions of the Future in the Present Moment

 (I wrote a bunch of bullshit to get this assignment done. Freewriting, or throwing up, as they’d call it. Enjoy my bullshit).

   The Native American girl told him that he had to go on a Vision Quest. He liked the girl. Eh, he more than liked her. That’s why he decided to go. If he learned that emotions are stupid and from some Real Social Dynamics instructor, like someone who taught guys how to get girls and the techniques behind it, he would have had a vision that his mistake was foolish, beyond foolish.

   The girl wanted company. That’s all. She didn’t want to go on this Vision Quest alone. Her family were really adamant about it, despite her not believing in it. Maybe she would lie about it and say some things, form some story about following a rabbit to a hole in a dream, kind of like Alice in Wonderland, and try to discover some deep philosophical meaning to it.

   He, Connor, was hoping he could find a way to get closer to her. Maybe she did want to get close to him, too, instead of it being just company. She seemed like a needy person. She always needed someone to hang around with. Girls are needy in general, he thought.

   As they walked into the woods, his blue backpack bounced up and down. He wore a red, plaid shirt and blue jeans. He glanced at his friend, Aiyanna, her two long, black braids bouncing and swaying, her tan, smooth skin, her brown eyes focused straight ahead. She wore a tan-colored Native American costume, one he thought he saw in the costume section during Halloween, or something that could be bought off Amazon. He thought she was so beautiful, that if there were a Native American magazine, she’d be the model on the front cover, or she probably could for any other women’s magazine. At least he thought.

   “So… we’re going out here to a random spot in the woods, and we’re going to sit and talk, you know, eat, sleep, like we usually do, and suddenly a vision is gonna come out of nowhere, right?” Connor asked.

   Aiyanna giggled. “Yeah, pretty much. I mean, maybe we’ll see something, who knows?”

   Connor made his way over a fallen tree, and his shoes crunched on the leaves as his shoes made contact with ground. He turned to help her over, held her hand—“Thanks,” she said—and didn’t let go of it, wanting to keep holding on to it, but reluctantly let go of it. That brief touch excited him, because he was inexperienced, but her hand was also warm.

   “So…” he said again. “Did you bring cannabis or something?”

   She laughed again, as he knew she would. “No, my parents would kill me.”

   “It was a joke, anyway. Or maybe a video game or a YouTube video? There’s this one game, called Destiny, where you enter this portal to the Black Garden—racist name, I thought—and the whole screen has this weird, rainbow psychedelic effect. It’s pretty weird. I recorded my reaction on YouTube. You totally have to check it out sometime. Google “Destiny Psychedelic Experience.” It’s hilarious.”

   Aiyanna laughed again. “Okay.”

   Wait, didn’t this mean he already had a Vision Quest? If finding the place where the protagonist had to go counted as a Vision Quest. “My friend did shrooms once,” Connor said. “Actually, he did a lot of drugs. He once showed me some trippy YouTube videos, and recommended certain things to watch when you’re high. I think he told me he stared at the same thing for one hour or something. But we’re not friends anymore.”

   Aiyanna gave a short laugh. “Aw, I’m sorry. And Connor, I think we’ll be fine. Don’t worry.”

   The air was cool. A creek rushed water between two large trees nearby. Connor stepped on a stone, and another, the water forming around it. One was round, so he had to keep his balance, but the rest were flat, as if they were made for being walked on. Once he made it to the other side, he helped her over. “I hope so,” he said, then reluctantly gave her hand back to herself. “I’m starting to get tired. How much further to walk?”

   “Not too far,” she said. “The area is more safe and secluded. I’ve come here before sometimes as a kid. I always liked adventure and going to new places.”

   Connor smiled and looked at her beautiful face, her long eyelashes, her crooked, upturned nose. “I can tell. I’ve… been more interested in staying put.”

   “Here,” Aiyanna finally said.

   Thank God, Connor thought, as if He granted his desire to stay put, even though he didn’t believe in God, or any supernatural thing. Evolution and past events brought everything to this point. It made everything weird and his mind hurt, so he tried not to think about any of that. “Cool,” he simply said, and looked around. It was a round and wide, spacious area. Thick grass on the ground. Wide trees surrounding the area. A cliff jetting over that had a tree on top, but underneath was a huge hole, like a mini-cave, which might be good to sleep in.

    “I’ve never camped before,” Connor said, even though he has told her this. “So you may need to help me with the set up. But I Googled it, so I should be fine.”

   Aiyanna smiled as she set her beige backpack down. “Alright, Modern-Boy.”

   Modern Boy? He wondered. “Okay Out-Of-Date-Past-Girl,” he decided to say.

   Aiyanna giggled. She pulled the tent from a bag and began setting it up.

   Connor took his out and tried to follow how she did hers. But for some reason, his kept falling down. “Ugh!” he shouted in frustration.

   Aiyanna looked at him as she finished putting hers up. “Need help?” she asked with a smile.

   Connor, stubborn, wouldn’t give in. “Nope, I…” his tent collapsed. “Yes, fine.”

   Aiyanna chuckled as she came over. “Look, like this…” then she proceeded to show him how to put up a tent. Connor observed, sulking, his arms across his chest. “How did you learn how to pitch a tent so well?” And as soon as he asked, his mouth contorted into a smile, and he made a weird sound with his mouth and nose as he tried to hold his laughter in, then quickly brought a hand to his mouth.

   “Well, I…” she looked up at him. “What’s so funny?”

   “Um, nothing,” he said, contorting his face back to normal and biting his lip.

   Her eyebrows narrowed. “Ew. Gross.”

   Then he burst out laughing. “Sorry.”

   They put their sleeping bags in their own individual tents, laid a few thick, wool blankets outside so they wouldn’t be sitting on the ground. As he sat with her, he said, “Okay,” he clapped his hands together. “Let’s have this vision!”